The Art of Surrender
What does its mean to you to surrender to something? Does it mean to totally give up control and let things happen to you? Does it mean to gracefully accept outcomes even if they are not the ones we want? Does it mean to use spirituality to help us to ‘trust in the process’? Whatever it means to you, it can be a lot more difficult than it sounds!
The idea for this blog came about just a few days ago when me and my two young children got the Christmas decorations out of the cupboard and dusted them off. I’d managed to keep the tree outside for the last week but I couldn’t put them off anymore. I have such wonderful memories of putting up the Christmas tree in our house as a child; it would be the weekend before Christmas and we would put on the “Christmas CD” and dance around to Christmas songs, trying to put decorations on the tree, much to my mum’s horror. She would be so particular about where each went that I think probably she did the whole thing herself in the end. Now, I can’t be certain, but it looks like my mum’s behaviour all those years ago may have rubbed off on me! As soon as the decoration bag was out of the cupboard, the boys were in there and went wild! They grabbed as much tinsel as they could, along with the sellotape, and stuck bits all over the house on random pieces of furniture. Then they started on the tree, as I cried, “Nooooo!! I haven’t done the lights yet!” I then proceeded to watch as they flung on decorations left, right and centre, while I squirmed and looked on.
Now, I do believe that this is universal feeling for all mothers - definitely the ones I have spoken to about it anyway. But why is it so hard to relinquish control for a little bit? Let the kids have their fun? Have a messy, tinsel infested tree? How would it feel to take a deep breath, and just surrender? Surrender to the moment. We so often try to control what’s going on around us, either through fear of what will happen, or because we think we know the outcome we want will be better for us - but how do we really know? And what rewards can we reap if we let go of expectation, surrender to what is, and be totally in the present?
So firstly, what exactly does its mean to surrender? Eckhart Tolle, the world renowned spiritual teacher, says “Surrender is the simple but profound wisdom of yielding to rather than opposing the flow of life.” Surrendering means to trust that what is meant to be will be, without trying to control the present or the future. It allows us to be truly present because we are not trying to control the outcome of what we are doing. Now, this is not to say we should go and do whatever we feel like without considering the impact our behaviours will have on others; it is vital that we remain accountable and responsible for our actions, and considerate and compassionate towards others. But when we fight against feelings and emotions, or when we try to control and micro-manage our environment, we are unable to live authentically. If we take a deep breath and allow things to happen in the moment, trusting that the outcome will be the one that is right for us, then we can more easily feel gratitude, and it is easier to adapt to the ups and downs of life, which are inescapable for everybody.
Surrendering does not mean to live with no intentions or goals, but to focus our energy into allowing and accepting the different outcomes as we strive for these goals. There is great peace and freedom in this, but there is a fine line between surrendering to outcomes and giving up on things too easily. Surrendering can also apply to situations involving other people, and how they show up in our lives. It is difficult controlling our own outcomes, but trying to control how others perceive or act towards us is even more difficult! There is a wonderful freedom in accepting what others think of us and it’s always good to remember that often, people project onto us what they see in themselves.
Being a parent has taught me a great deal about the ‘art of surrender’. When I became a mother, my life as I knew it changed completely, and nothing could prepare me for the world of (happy) chaos I was being propelled into! The mess, the noise, the endless meals that were thrown on the floor! I have worked closely with new parents for many years, and I know that one of their main sources of exhaustion and stress (obviously after the sleepless nights), is the pressure they feel to keep all of these things together; keep their house today all the time, make sure their children behave “properly” in public, make sure their children eat three healthy meals a day. And when this doesn’t happen, and as much as we try to make this happen as parents, a lot of the time our kids have different ideas - and then we feel like we have failed because we are unable to meet ours and other’s unrealistic expectations, and we are unable to achieve the outcome we desire.
As the years have gone by, I have learnt to surrender to the food on the floor, the noise and all the messy bits in between! I certainly don’t get it right all the time, but now I consciously accept that I have two little humans, with little impulse control, living with me and my house for the next few years will be a lot messier and louder than it would be otherwise. And what a relief it is! Letting go of the pressure we put on ourselves, letting go of the control. It doesn’t mean having to live in a pig sty, but it means that when your kids are making that mess, why not see how it feels to get messy with them! Don’t think about the outcome, but live truly in the present moment!
I work a lot with clients who have anxiety about certain aspects of their lives and the desire to control the outcome of certain situations, be it a relationship, or something in their career. The issue with trying to control these things is that when we are unable to, and we fight against what is happening, we become stressed and anxious. In the context of hypnotherapy, I focus a lot with these clients on the art of surrender, of focussing on letting go of the things we can’t control, accepting things as they are, and focussing our energy into the present moment. This also works well for those with sleep issues - many clients report that they struggle to fall asleep because their minds fill up with unwanted thoughts and they try to get rid of these thoughts but can’t. I encourage these clients to stop fighting the thoughts, let them come and go, and while we don’t need to focus necessarily on these thoughts, we don’t need to give up our energy trying to fight them.
It can be a very useful tool to have, being able to surrender to things, and it certainly gets easier with practice. It may also mean that sometimes if you feel sad - if you have had to let go of something special from your life for example, surrendering in this situation may mean sitting with your sadness, feeling it, accepting it, trusting that it is ok. It is important to remember that surrendering to things does not mean things won’t be painful, but it’s allowing these emotions to flow, whatever they may be. And sometimes you can surrender for a little while and that’s all it takes - in the case of my Christmas tree decorating this year, I surrendered to watching the children throw tinsel all over the tree, but I managed to make a few amendments to it once the children had gone to sleep and we’ve now reached a happy compromise!